"Oh God...

Your light shines forever. 

I'm in my room....the same old me. So much has changed...is changing. It hurts. It hurts a lot. 

As the sun rises over our hill, and the clouds veil it only slightly so that the the clouds and the sun shine with glorious light...what can I do?

You are being shown through Your creation. God, my heart longs for You. My heart reaches out....reaches up somewhere that I can't find. My arms stretch out toward You...

My soul wants Your glory...to taste it. My soul needs You for life...for refreshment. Oh God...I am weak. 

I need You now more than ever.
______________________________________________________________________________-

What you said really encouraged me a lot Noelle. :)

We have been through quite a bit haven't we?


Friends, I don't know what to say today. We've all gone different ways. Our life that was together is now over. We will see each other time to time, but those old times are done. Strange, it seems like it was just last week that Noelle would come over everyday after school. We'd listen to Sherwood, play basketball, or just talk. We all would. We had such good times in the spring and summer. It's almost hard to believe that we can't ever go back. My heart aches for the past. 

One thing I have learned from this leaving process is that looking at the past too much makes going forward impossible. Right now I don't have much time to dwell on what has been. I need to focus on what comes. I'm about to enter a rigorous course. I'll need to be strong. I don't feel strong. I'm tired.

So much has changed....

I have one more week, but I'm not gone yet. I plan to spend some time saying goodbye to what has been this week. I hate what jobs do to our lives....I wish you could all be with me. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Between two ways...

I stand on the path I've always been on...
I look forward and backward longing for both. I have already been in the past, and it was wonderful and horrible. There were many pains, and there were many joy. I've been there already, and I did enjoy it fully. You all know me...if I were to live the past again it would turn me inside out. I would ache to learn what comes next. I'd be dying to see my new path. We must leave these worldly things behind. We are called to new glories to seek. I feel the strangest thing as I prepare to leave. Like my plane ascends into the heavens. I feel that I am leaving Earth for the glories of the Lord, and for the newness of His life. I am ascending into the light and freedom of His kingdom. I'm going further up from this life we've known. In my heart it feels like I'm going to Heaven, not Africa. It's a strange thing. It's hard to leave this Earth, but how can I not go? I must see what comes for me! I have longed for the skies my whole life. I've wanted to fly. I've wanted to float out in the mystery of God and His beauty. I've ached for the source of the beauty I see in a rising sun. When I see the sun rising...with newness and beautiful, glorious light...I long for it. I long for God...He is the mystery behind it all. My heart laughs in joy, and cries out for Him at the same time. 

I love you all, and I hope I've shown it. I'm sorry for when I haven't...I know I'm a failure. 

I must leave...I must see what comes for me.

Remember this as I go...

You may feel that I am leaving you behind, but the Lord wants to take us all into His glories...into His work...into Himself. He will do so when we are ready. Just, while waiting, don't settle for less...wait and one day you will find the Earth fading away from your feet. You will look up and see the light of Him awaiting you, and you will rise into it...free from the pain and the darkness that the world laid upon you. Free from the guilt, and the past.

I go now, but join me in His glorious work. Find it for yourself. I don't want to leave you behind. No matter where we are, if we are in His work, we will know His glory. 

I follow Jesus as I go...


Let's go....together. Don't be left behind...not when such a great calling awaits you. 

 

I went into those holy places...

I heard the voices of many saints, and felt the heights of their emotions...their exaltations. I felt the power of His Spirit moving in those songs. I felt the power of the heavens, but when the music stopped....all was silent. When the music stopped...it was over, and my radio runs out of batteries quickly. If the fire dies without a furnace...it won't be any good on the road. And I need the truth....I need it forever. I've thrown out those melodies....

I'm going back to music that tends to my heart in gentleness, and in truth. I need music that hits me where I am on a daily basis, not music that makes me feel so great that I lose sight of the battle because I "feel" so close to Him.

By the way...


I'm growing my hair out.

For real....like old times.

It's been a long time.

It tried starting something new, but it ended up ruining me.

Who am I kidding? I've been a mess these whole four years on this thing.

So, life has not changed much...I'm still at Quaboag....still hating it.

Only 10 more days and I'm done there.

Less than a month and I'm leaving this place.

I think back....so many good memories.

I leave them all behind.

My heart used to be true...

My heart used to love.

My heart used to be real...alive.

Now I wonder who I am....I feel like I've lost myself.

Who am I? What happened to who I was? Is he still in me somewhere? I think he might be....I know he is. I've forgotten how to be him. The people who were around that boy are gone. The ones who gave me strength back then have left me. I go on being plagued by this wonderous beauty...

It's Joel...

It's Joel...

It's me...

Don't worry....I'm here now.

Joel is here....he's back.

Oh, please be back...

I am...I'm back.

I can be back if you press in enough.
I can be younger again.
I can be untainted again.
I can be free in mysteries again.
I can feel pain again...I can have passions again.

I'm back...

I'm back.....

I've got no songs to sing tonight.
I don't know where I am.
The things I've loved are losing their meaning.
I know I need YOU.
I can't seem to find You when I know You're right next to me.
I look inside and I say "No Christ cannot save me now"
They all scream at me "HIS BLOOD SAVES ALL!"
I know His blood saves all.


Sometimes His blood doesn't seem like it works for me.
I don't want to go half way!!
I want to live it all or none at all!
Enough failures!

I'll take myself to hell or be freed from all my sin and forget it ever happened.

Christ come down and reach me because I've fallen and I can't see heaven...I can only see hell.
Let me see Your hands that reign over all the universe sweep through these black clouds and smoke and pick me up and take me out.
I feel surrounded.
I'm no saint....I know what I've been...I know what I am without You.
Just because I've known You doesn't mean I'm perfect or without need.



My heart is cold and my mind has no regret.
I don't care about the lost and my own sin seems ok.
While the righteous God HATES MY SIN
I fear God. When I think of Him I am afraid.
I know He is great. There will never be anything close to the fear we will have when the King comes riding on the clouds in all His glory.
I fear His glory and His wrath. This is one of the reasons our sin is kept in check at times; we fear Him.

I can barely lift up my voice.

I have decided to change starting today.

1. Think
2. Man-Up
3.Shut-Up

ca   r    e

How many times can I push it aside?
Is it time I befriended all the ghosts of all the things that haunt me most
So they leave me alone, move on with my life. Be certain the steps of left and right don't fight the direction of upright
I'd rather forget and not slow down than gather regret for the things I can't change now
If I become what I can't accept resurrect the saint from within the wretch
Pour over me and wash my hands of it
It's time to decide which is out of my mind
Cause it'll be me unless I put some thoughts to rest and leave some faults behind
I'll watch the glint in my eye shine off the spring in my step
And could be blinding depending on the amount of You that I reflect
Cause I could spend my life just trying to sift through
What I could've done better but what good do what if's do
There's something I should tell you now

Relient K - Forget and Not Slow Down

Great song. I think I've found out that Matt T was my ultimate inspiration all along in the lyrical style I write in.
I'll say that the wording and times when the words come in in this song make it very confusing even though the point is clear when reading the lyrics.

I've got those love sick blues.

I've got a million words to give you, and I've got no hands to type them out.

Oh she's beautiful and I just want to wrap her up and take her away.
But I'd spend my whole life just going crazy because I can't get enough.

I wanna tell her how I feel when I hear her voice and see her smile...I see her eyes.
She smiles at me because I'm coming closer
She hopes shes beautiful in my eyes...she is so clueless.

She so wants to just be mine, but she can't.
I know now that is this doesn't work I doubt any romance for myself and I'd strive to be single.
Because we can't be friends. We weren't made that way.
Either I'll marry her someday....or God will remove her from my life.

Right now I wait for time to fly and keep my hands off her and hard at work.
Maybe our day won't come, but I'm gonna make my way South either way....that won't happen if I goof around.

Yesterday she asked me if she looked hot....I smiled and said yes.
She meant a different hot....I think she got the idea.


[...Are you there?
Yes
Well I don't see you
I'm not there...I'm here
I don't see you here]

This world has seen many things. This world has been the home of many loves and lives and deaths and hates.

As I sit here on my porch at 6:42am, the sun is rising over the hill....gleaming against the green leaves..there is stillness, yes, there is peace.
Maybe next year I will catch these summer days going slower.

Since I've been back it seems my life has not slowed down....there is constantly action and news taking place...yet....yet every hour seems like 4...and every moment goes by so slow....I don't know what I did with time before I left but now that I'm back I think I've learned how to live a bit more quickly....it is a strange thing to look at your clock after doing all that you need to in the day and see that only a few hours have gone by...leaving me with the rest of the day to do nothing but look at my fat cheeks in the mirror.

God thank you that I'm not a chipmunk.

In other news it seems I'm quite a softy.
I'm still learning how my bones shift through this earth...and how on earth it fits with the rest of existence.
Perhaps I will redefine myself....find a new leader.

I'm finally uncovering the fact that I was influenced long ago by those whom I have passed on from.
I think it's time to take a new frame....a new shape...a new form.

I've often wondered how love and justice go together when they seem contradictory.

My grieving is over. Now I'll watch and wait.

Let us push on in Christ's love.


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