That's me, that's all mine.

Those two names are what defines me best in this world, they are mine, and ONLY mine.

Well Deanna just posted a life story, so I thought I would.
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Joel Vincent Hickey (me) was born July 21st 1990.

I don't have much of any memories before I was 4 years old. I remember moving into our new house (the one we still live in) when I was 4, it was August, 1994. My life was not very social, I was Home Schooled K-12, so I didn't know too too many people, I had many friends through my parents. I had all the friends I'd needed, but most of the things that happened in my life that meant anything to me happened here in my head, and I don't talk about these things much.

My 4th year lots of things happened, we got our first house, we started going to church, I met Deanna. So we got our first house and I loved it, I wanted to explore everything with my elder sister Julianne, and she was 6 at the time, we met Deanna basically on day 1, and have been friends since. We started going to a Baptist church down town which I liked, there was no boys my age so I kind of made older friends, and made due. I was always taught that God loved me and had a plan for me. I knew probably every Bible story, and I believed in Jesus, but I didn't know Him, I just knew He was there...I was still a jerk, and didn't know what it meant to abide in Christ.

I was a good kid for the most part. I was very lonely, everyday I'd wish there was somebody just to play catch with, that was so big for me, I wanted to play catch, and there was no one to play with. I'd wish I had an older brother to teach me, or that my Dad had more time, but that was not the case, so I did other things that I didn't need a friend for. But I was very lonely, when my sister had friends over I'd sit in my room and wait for them to leave because I felt like they were taking my friend away from me. I prayed for a little brother every morning and thought I'd never get one.

When I was 5 (nearly 6) Victoria was born, and I was stoked, but as she got older we didn't get along so well, I hated that my Dad liked her so much. Me and my Dad were close, and I felt like she took all his time, but I got over it and began to care less about who or what me Dad spent his time with. I was fine alone, and I didn't need him, and someday I'd prove I didn't need anybody...except maybe my Mom.

When I was 8 I finally got a brother, Israel, I expected way too much from him as a baby, I thought he should be able to run by 1 month...that didn't work. So I just waited, and continued on the way I was going...when he was like 4 we began to play the games I wanted when I was 4...but I was 12 now, and not so interested.

When I was, I think 10 our church downtown closed so we started to home church with a family near by, we eventually home churched with more and more families, we did this 4 years.

I played two years of baseball when I was 11 and 12, I would get excited about it and by the end of the year I would grow to hate it. I didn't like my teammates much...or baseball.

When I was 13 some of my old friends from when I was 4 decided they wanted to start a band, so I started taking guitar lessons, and began to play computer games as much as I could.

Julie and Deanna would always tell me not to play them, but I did anyway.

Through all this time I didn't really understand God, and I didn't really care about Him, I didn't want to know Him...because I didn't.

I really spent most of my life on the computer, and wasted two years on it, while getting better at guitar.

When I was 14 we started going to Upper Room in Warren. I got used to the church pretty fast, probably mostly because we went to a winter camp with their youth group, but I didn't really care about the people, I felt very new and I didn't really know who I was amidst these people.

I slowly grew to know them, and God.

God decided to show Himself to me one day at church during worship, and I began to read the Bible every morning and pray. I talked to Him about all the things bothering me, and asked Him for help. I began to change, I cared less and less for the computer games and more and more for playing guitar and getting to know people, so I slowly stopped playing games and began to get more into guitar and friends. This is probably mostly because we decided to start a worship band for our youth group, which I lead. So I got to know people, I got to know Brandon and Noelle and Jillian and Meaghan, and others. At home I was becoming less bitter and much happier.

So we started the band in Early 2006. I started to like a girl at church that April, I liked her almost two years.

I'd never liked anyone before, and it was strange and painful, and I thought nothing would ever happen. This is when I began to write a lot about how I felt. I also wrote songs about how I felt. I began to love nature more and more, and I'd take walks outside all the time, and I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life...I was 15 and I thought Julie and Deanna were both stupid and caught up in things that meant nothing in life. I thought I was much more centered on important things...but I loved them both and thought they were cool.

Towards the end of that year Noelle told me she liked me, which I'd known. I thought she was cool, but I also felt really strange about how to react to her telling me...so I just played it cool and went with it. I was now 16.

Since I was little I always wanted to be wise...I think about the things people might know, and imagine what it was. I decided at the age of 12 that what was more important than what people did was why they did it, and so when I was 16 I began to judge every action by it's motive, and think about why things were thought, and where different ideas came from. I discovered that a mind based apart from God was a mind of ignorance, which ultimately ended in a total lack of truth and common sense. I started searching for signs of maturity and immaturity in those around me. I began to look for character flaws, and I developed a keen sense for telling when a person was lying and when they spoke truth. I could tell when someone was legit and when they were not...but that wasn't enough...I wanted to know why they hid it.

I discovered that people around me were very fixed on the world and not Christ. Even the Christians, and it burdened me deeply to see and hear about the things they were interested in, and spending time with. I wrote many many posts...even on this LJ account about how I thought things should be.

So I was 16, a happy worship leader...but not really, I still liked that girl, and I was still very sad sometimes.

The next March I decided to go to South Africa, and I did that June, I loved it there. I found a home far from home, and I began to love everything about the place.

The next month I was a Rabbi at church, and that Thursday I spent the whole day at the church alone between VBS and worship practice. I spent my time thinking about how I should act towards the girl I liked...I didn't understand how I ought to be. Then it all broke down, someone entered the church and greeted me so sweetly and so, unexpectedly that I began to see that the person was genuinely being kind, and that they had joy...a joy I knew was Christ. It left in fact such an impression I was shocked at myself for being such an idiot and thinking I needed to be anything less than Christ toward the girl I liked.

I finally stopped liking her the following January...I had peace...for a while.

This past year has been one of realization of many things, my calling for South Africa, how deeply wounded I am in relation to Christ, how much more I need Him, and far there is to go. I found a fondness for the girl who greeted me that day in the Church the one who reminded that all I needed to be was like Christ, I told her how I feel, and now I wait and watch tosee what happens.

I know through it all Christ was in it, and I look forward to seeing what I can add to this story.

This would be far more in-depth...except some big parts of my life concerning my now deceased once constant feeling of worthlessness. The source of my bitterness which still fights me, and still haunts my heart is in the past, and my choices.

Sometimes when we do things, we look back and are never the same, just knowing that we actually did those things, and not being able to ever trust ourselves anymore.

I am gifted with hiding the truth, I won't try and hide it...not because I couldn't, but because I don't want to.

I'm good at making the truth hard to find, and difficult to see, and excellent at complicating the simple things.

But the Lord heals us slowly and I know he's given me all that I need to honor Him...so that's what I plan to do.

It's a wonderful feeling to be free from everything, and know we can follow Christ...and nothing can stop us!